martin scorsese –> abel ferrara
look, we all know how it is. you get to college and you realize everyone loves Goodfellas and some other people seem to be talking about this musical thing or something? anyways, long story short, everyone’s a scorsese fan too, awesome, great news. well that’s all well and good until you discover how basic and filmbro your taste is months down the line when the 101 class reaches critical levels of Taxi Driver references and you feel like you have to end it all, cinematically speaking that is.
well well well, if we don’t have another new yorker to the scene! abel ferrara can swoop in no problem and differentiate you from your peers, in addition to giving you some better movies than his more economically successful counterpart. want some gritty crime? throw out that Goodfellas dvd you finally bought on sale bc you got tired of rewatching the recording of it on your tv and pop in Bad Lieutenant or King of New York. want some genre exercises? well toss Hugo in the trash and play some 4:44 Last Day on Earth or New Rose Hotel. need some religion in your fedora-tipping life? cancel all future bluray updates on The Last Temptation of Christ, cease your rants on how Silence didn’t get any oscars, and finally remove Kundun from your watchlist, and instead take on the introspective and beautiful Mary.
paul thomas anderson –> jessica hausner
look, paul, i love ya man. Inherent Vice especially made me want a second renaissance of pta especially after two of his most “serious” ventures yet. but then we had to get Phantom Thread which was alright but fell prey to what made TWBB boring and – hold up, can i interest you in our lord and savior jessica hausner?
won’t take long; you could feasibly watch all 3 of her major features within one night if you were really bout it. a director who crisscrosses throughout genres, time periods, themes, and (what she beats pta it) moods, hausner’s films are laugh out loud in the same way that Punch-drunk Love or Boogie Nights are but Lourdes has the simple grace and effectiveness that Phantom Thread wasn’t quite able to muster, while being substantially less bombastic. add to her new sci-fi film coming out and you could definitely buy hausner stock now to get an edge on the film connoisseur competition in the upcoming years.
ingmar bergman –>manoel de oliveira
perhaps you see yourself as more enlightened than the charlatans who still think guy ritchie is good. well, you’re right, congrats, but reposting Seventh Seal gifs to your tumblr every couple of months only gets you so far out here bucko. bergman is sadboi kino personified, but the problem is that like half of his films are more or less the same, so you’re going to be treading the waters of your cinematic growth trying to do some Every Frame a Painting type thing w/ Through a Glass Darkly and then look back on your ‘films watched’ list in 5 years wondering where you went wrong.
luckily, there is a great director you can use to show off that patrician flair, and you can still pick the religious sadboi films if you’re really about it. stepping up to the plate is manoel de oliveira, a man with about as daunting a filmography that is substantially more diverse, though much of it is focused more on romance than… idk, that one time that you were crying bc of satan or something at bible study? anywho watch Francisca. there. i said it.
edgar wright –> neveldine/taylor
look, we can pretend all we want to, and most of it isn’t pretending i’m actually just incredibly more patrician than whoever is reading this, but anyways, point is, i used to throw on the occasional wright comedy to have a jovial old time before i realized how much of an idiot this made me. there is not a single patrician take on this director that you could identify as overwhelmingly positive; it’s all filmbro myopia with a tinge of entrylevel film essays.
maybe you’re like me, and you dislike thinking at all when it comes to movies. however, letting go of filmmakers that you might have once found dear might seem like abandoning an old friend or moving away from your hometown. fortunately i’ve done both of these things and can promise they are more emotionally exorcising than putting away your cornetto boxcase to indulge in Crank: High Voltage with the squad. and, if you wanted to be petty, you could realistically say that Gamer includes every film ever made, because it includes every color in the spectrum on multiple occasions. film or neveldine/taylor, which came first?
steven spielberg –> tobe hooper
i call this one the “inverse Poltergeist.” i didn’t really grow up with spielberg at all; i remember being moved by War of the Worlds which i still maintain is his 2nd best film but past that i either don’t recall or disliked the other stuff i saw of his in my childhood, which is really too bad because that seems to be where most of his films would excel in. nevertheless, there is another director with a similar childlike awe of the world that will earn bonus points in particular because your friends will probably actually know what The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is.
ya got plenty to choose from. plow around and you’ll probably dig up a gem like Eggshells or Lifeforce or The Mangler. at the very least, you probably won’t find anything as bad or as self serious as Saving Private Ryan and you definitely won’t find anything near Ready Player One as much as hooper tried to prove us wrong there a couple of times. next time your friend uses the term “genre film,” feel free to step in and yell at him about how spielberg would trade his soul if he could make something half as inspired as Toolbox Murders.